i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
