you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
