u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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