nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
