im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
