Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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