he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
