cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
