i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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