we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
is wine microwaveable?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
