His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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