I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize