on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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