theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
either way he was missing a nipple.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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