Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
