You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
