dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
