I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
