I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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