the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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