He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
