I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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