Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
