don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
