we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
