He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
