I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
