Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
