before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize