end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
