Can i not drive my cunt home
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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