I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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