I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
