Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
