We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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