Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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