I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
