I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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