Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My vagina just clenched in fear
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
