she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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