mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
