OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
