she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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