An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
