My first STD was from a foam party
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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