I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
