did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
