I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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