Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
