i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
