It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
