Your dad touched me again.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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