But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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