mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
