I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
