Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
PANTIES FOUND
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
