My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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