i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it's like iHOP with fire
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
