ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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