Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
