A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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