Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
