whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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