I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
