I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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