even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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