I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
