When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
