I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
