I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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